Once upon a time I went to the supermarket. Fractious toddler in buggy, I deftly navigated the aisles avoiding eye contact with security staff as I stuffed shopping into my undercarriage. The buggy’s undercarriage just to be clear. What else are you supposed to do? You can’t push a buggy and a trolley round the supermarket and it is impossible to hook a wire basket over the handles. Undercarriage full to capacity, I put a few things on the roof of the buggy *WARNING. WARNING. DEAFENING KLAXON*. In the swipe of an infant fist, the roof of the buggy was pulled down and a box of raspberries, a cucumber and a pot of cream went flying. The pot of cream smashed everywhere. Such a rookie mistake! As I scrabbled about picking up the scattered fruit and veg my daughter then decided to climb out of her buggy so that it flipped backwards smashing my bags and other shopping onto the floor. (Feeling hot? Feeling allergic to my own clothes? Oh yes.) A kindly supermarket staffer came round the corner and saw my plight. I signalled madly at the spilt cream as I restrained my toddler and righted the buggy.”Don’t worry! I’ll get a hazard sign and a cloth” she reassured me. Off she went. Then calamity! Another lady came round the corner heading straight for the enormous pool of cream. “Watch out!” I shouted helplessly as she skidded through the cream, flew through the air and landed on her back with a thump. It was like a slo-mo Lawyers 4U advert played in front of my very eyes. Just at that moment, supermarket lady came back, plastic yellow hazard sign in hand. “It’s too late!” I wailed. As we helped the dazed woman back up onto her feet I gasped at the sight of her cream drenched coat -more cream than coat - and sodden, suede boots.
"Are you OK? Can I pay for your dry cleaning bill?" I asked while playing out the legal ramifications of such an accident in my mind. Me Versus the Plaintive Versus The Supermarket. I think the supermarket lady was thinking the same thing.
"No, no, it’s OK It needed dry-cleaning anyway." she murmured as she stumbled off.
"Can I get you some more cream?" the Supermarket lady asked me.
"No thank you."
The moral of the story: Never place shopping items on the roof of your buggy and always strap the little blighter in.